Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Outfit #39: Black Cat








Hi-Lo Blouse c/o Crash and Burn Apparel // Leggings: Old Riding Breeches // Boots: Thrifted // Purse: H&M // Cat Ring c/o I Love Crafty (Feline Fatale Collection) // Necklace and Earrings c/o BKouture // Hat: H&M // Sunglasses: ASOS

This is the closest thing I've worn to pants in ages! But they're not really pants - they're actually an old pair of riding britches from my horse riding days. Occasionally they still come in handy in outfits!

I'm really angry at myself today, actually. I have been trying really hard to watch what I eat and lose weight, because I am incredibly unhappy with my body - to the point where I feel my self esteem suffering. I work a desk job and I get zero excersise, but since I work full time by the time I'm finished at work all I want to do is go home and relax - I totally dropped the ball on my gym membership. I just kind of feel like a failure. I hate my body - literally, I HATE it - but I don't seem to stick to anything I do to try and change it. I've been eating really well lately, but last night I had Jack in the Box curly fries, jalapeno poppers, and a bunch of mini candy bars. I don't know why I do this to myself - it makes me happy for a minute and then I'm just miserable for a week.

Some days it's hard for me to even take photos, nonetheless post them on the internet, because I don't think I look the way I want myself to. I google things like "I'm pear shaped and I hate it" and I don't know what to do. I thought I would grow out of this self loathing of my body, but I'm closer to 24 than 23 and I still abhor my thighs and feel like I'll never look good enough to make myself happy. I look at photographs of myself when I was a teenager, riding horses and looking healthy and lean (and when I was modeling!), and I curse the 30 pounds I've gained in adulthood.

I have photographers poking at me, asking me to model for them, and I just keep making excuses because I don't want to be in front of a camera lens. What if I bend wrong and my fat rolls are evident? What if someone sees my cellulite? I envy all of my skinny friends and can't look at lookbook's main page because I get depressed. "I'm 5'10", why can't I be long legged and lithe, too? Why do I have to be squat and curvy?"

The worst part is that I know as soon as I start working out, the pounds will melt off. It's the way things happen with me. But I have NO IDEA HOW TO GET MOTIVATED. It's literally what I want more than anything - to be thin and in shape - but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I don't understand why I am able to muster energy and passion for every other endeavor in my life, but not one that would make me happier than anything (not to mention help my modeling and cosplaying!)

Does anyone have any tips? Some days are worse than others, and I'm assuming today is just a bad day, but I'd still welcome any words of advice for motivation or losing weight when one is pear shaped (meaning I gain 100% of my weight in my hips, butt, and thighs).


16 comments:

  1. I'm going to end up in that area one day and make a cameo in my dress....
    You can take those photos if you want.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Weight loss/gain is all about calories in/calories out. If you can't exercise you have to be careful to watch your portions and calories.

    You should be able to get a free calorie counter for your iPhone. Record everything you eat.

    Use this site to figure out a 500 calorie deficit and don't eat more than that per day:

    http://www.fitwatch.com/qkcalc/caloriedeficitcalculator.php

    You should start seeing weight loss if you follow these steps (even without exercise).

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know Molly.. I've honestly been in that same headspace for so long. Things have gotten a lot better because I've forced myself to make better choices.. but just recently I got an interesting boost that I didn't see coming. A friend of mine started a Women's B League indoor soccer team.. and I had never played but was like, hey, an hour a week.. I can do that and see my girlfriends.. and I LOVE IT! I look forward to my Thursday night games, I've met a bunch of cool people who have also never played soccer, and now I've been avoiding junk food because I don't want to puke on the field. I've been working out daily so I can stay in the game longer. I've always been wanting motivation that was something more than "I want to look hot" because obviously that isn't enough. What's cool about the soccer game is that it's not like I need to be an athlete to do it. None of us are really great, but we laugh our asses off the whole time because of it. It's really been fun. I've subsequently lost weight and I haven't even been worried about it. It's really been a neat little gift. Think you might be interested in trying something like that? It didn't cost us too much, and the season is only 8 games, so when I started I was just thinking if I hated it, then I'd only have 8 games. Now I don't want to quit. I've even stopped smoking. How in the world did that happen???!?!

    ReplyDelete
  4. A) I completely did not need to know that that top existed *lust*
    B) I am pear-shaped as well, and after DragonCon, my habits go totally downhill with both the holidays and the fact there's no Spandex on the horizon until next year ! Try using MyFitnessPal.com It's great for tracking calories and exercise, and there are some handy phone apps. I also find that setting a goal for myself helps; like a promise to buy a new pair of pants that I really want if I hit my goal weight. Also, don't freak out too much about the Jack n the Box; instead set a cheat day for yourself. A lot of studies show that if you know you have a cheat day to look forward to, you're less likely to scarf down everything in site and regret it later.

    Now pardon me while I try to ignore the snack machine downstairs.

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  5. Nice outfit!
    I love your ring =)

    xx
    blogagendafashion.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. how can you be this gorgeous?! :) I love your style so much it is super elegant ! Could you please consider following each other? I think you could like my blog as well www.shineonbyandrea.blogspot.com Twitter: @shineonbyandrea

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  7. I FEEL YOU SO MUCH. I'm pear-shaped, too! And I all but stopped going on Lookbook, too (I hyped your look, tho). Lookbook made me feel sad and scrutinized rather than fueled my creativity.
    My tips are to sit on your floor and do easy yogic stretches/tense different muscle groups. It feels like you're relaxing, but you're burning calories...
    Also, I implore you to stop feeling ashamed of your body!!!

    Anyway, I want to comment on your look, too!! :) It is so subtely elegant...I love the necklace!

    xoxox
    theefface.blogspot.com
    xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  8. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. A few years ago I weighed about 35 lbs more than I do now. I was about your age and my metabolism slowed down, I got less anxious all the time, so I started eating more. Living with a boy who ate about 3x as much as I was used to, I started eating boy-sized portions and I gained a shit-ton of weight over a couple years. I still haven't been able to get to how skinny I was in high school (almost underweight tbh), but the way I was able to lose weight was by doing Weight Watchers. I'm gonna sound like a commercial right now, BUT, I'm just like you in that I find it SO hard to get motivated, but my body sheds weight really easily if I actually do the work. I also didn't know how to eat healthy, how to count calories, how to work out, ANYTHING. And honestly it's easier to just eat less calories than it is to burn them off and keep eating the same way. If you want more info about WW you should defo send me an email, I'd be super happy to give you advice! I lost the majority of my 35 lbs in 6 months, and I could've done it faster but I started right in the middle of the holidays, so that was tough not eating a lot! But yeah. WW is great, you go to weekly meetings so it's super motivating, you get helpful booklets with recipes and motivational shit, you get keychains, it's just really awesome! Totally worth it!

    And, honestly, for what it's worth... I think you look AMAZING and I am super jealous of how hot you are all the time. So jealous. xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. First of all, I totally appreciate your honesty here. I'm all in favor of loving our bodies, but some days I just wanna say, "No, fuck this, I hate my body right now!" So well done on that.
    Secondly, I struggle with motivation all the time, and being a health coach, I feel like a hypocrite. I always need a workout buddy to hold me accountable! Beyond that though, I try to take a minute or two before eating/sleeping in to focus on how much better I feel when I eat well and exercise. It doesn't seem like much, but otherwise, like you said, you indulge and feel great for a second and then hate yourself for a week.
    Finally, as others have stated, you DO look amazing! I hope soon you start feeling like it, too.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey Molly. I love your blogs and this one really hit home. Although I don't have a pear shaped body, I do have a belly that has been about nine months pregnant for a long time. I hate the way I look. But it seems like no matter what I eat or not, no matter how I watch my calories that I consume. I still have this belly. So, until I take time and actually exercise I may have this problem for a while. What I am saying is that as frustrating as our bodies are....we need to accept that it will take time and hard work to make our bodies look the way we want. I know how beautiful you are from your pics. I know that you can only make yourself more beautiful! Your awesome and lovely. ;)

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  11. You are an amazing bohême fashion girl ^^
    we like you look

    P&C

    http://fashionbohem.blogspot.com.es/

    ReplyDelete
  12. blogilates.com . try her videos. they get me motivated. i quite love her and enjoy them - plus there is a huge variety. she's kind of silly.

    anyhow - that ring! it's so cool. and you look crazy much like my sister here and it's really freaking me out - she had similar hair and wardrobe in college. i love it

    <3 katherine
    of corgis and cocktails // current giveaway

    ReplyDelete
  13. Classy lady. Wish I could help you find motivation -- I wouldn't mind borrowing some. ;)

    amen fashion xo.

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  14. Molly, I know how you feel. I have been fighting my own body forever and just lately started really losing weight. I'll be 24 in a few weeks and until recently I had been in this vicious circle where I hated my body but did nothing to improve it. I started a program with a nutritionist and lost about 12 or so pounds in a few months. But lately I lost that motivation again and I'm not only stalling but actually regaining weight. And I can't seem to find that will again :/
    It'd be awesome to have someone cheering us on, like an online group or twitter list or something. You know, friendly reminders that we are doing the right thing and do not let yourself go because being fit and healthy is awesome.
    Cheers!

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