Gosh, I am exhausted today. This morning it took me about five minutes to acknowledge that my alarm was going off because half asleep I kept wondering "isn't someone going to turn that off?". I blame it on the fact that I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm not proud of it - I was letting my emotions get the better of me in a situation that is pretty much beyond my control and something I saw coming for a long time.
I recently lost one of my oldest and closest friends, and yesterday she quietly "cut the last tie" and deleted me off of Facebook. While I saw this coming - the two of us had been growing apart for ages and nothing really seemed to be able to repair it - the finality of the blow really got to me. While some people say "Facebook isn't real life!" I must argue that in our generation it most certainly IS. Deleting someone off of Facebook is psychologically "purging" them from your life, saying they don't have the privilege of even a voyeueristic and silent look into your life.
I think that's been the hardest part about reaching my mid twenties. I've definitely seen who my TRUE friends are (especially through a lot of the nonsense that occurred during the TV show - I was an awful friend who didn't have time for ANYONE because I was so wrapped up in my own life. The friend who deleted me off of Facebook could not forgive me for this, but I have some pretty solid amazing ladies who were nothing but gracious and understanding through all of it.) But it's difficult… I used to want to be friends with everyone and want everyone to like me so badly. I still desire that, but I don't compromise myself for people anymore - and that truly shows me who should be in my life and who shouldn't be.
All of my friends who are in their thirties assure me that this is a very natural part of your twenties - you grow up and leave people behind. While it's comforting to know it has happened to countless others, it does not much soothe the sting of loss.
I know all I can do is cling to the wonderful memories she and I had together. She was my best friend for many years and we helped each other through some incredibly difficult times and created some hilarious memories that I will always cherish. I hope someday she can release whatever anger she feels for me and we can laugh about this, but until then I will not allow myself to fall prey to anger or pettiness.
Have any of you experience the inevitable ebb and flow of friendship? How did you deal with it?
I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this, just know that it WILL BE OKAY <3. I'm in my twenties as well and have been dealing with the very same thing. For a time, it's lonely. But I've found that as I slowly open myself back up to friendships, there's more and more people that are happy to love you for you. Stay strong, you badass lady. I know we've never spoken and I've never commented on your blog besides this, but know that you can contact me if you ever need someone.
ReplyDeleteIn my mid twenties, my life was a mess. I had such a self hatred that I abused alcohol and drugs almost constantly. I also used lies, manipulation, and back stabbing to ensure I was "liked" by others. I was by all definition a toxic person. I even viewed friends and relationships with them as something to possess. Around this time, I became friends with you. I was quite possessive with my friendship. I had an idea in my head that happiness was gained and measured based on others and not on myself. This mindset, and the jealous clingyness that follows, is psychological abuse. As a result, many distanced themselves from me, some never to return. Those who remained my friends also gave their distance, you among them. Thank you for that, it was absolutely the best thing I needed. Anything else would have been enabling my toxic behavior. I feel that this "friend" has been possessive of your friendship, as I once was, and since you could not give them the time and attention they thought they needed for their own happiness, they feel betrayed. I don't know for sure if they will come around or not, but if they continue to feel this way, just because you were following your dreams and living your life, then they are not a good friend and it's best to move on anyway. If they figure it out, then they'll come back and your friendship with them will be genuine and not selfish. So, it's really a win win situation. As for me, I will never treat another human being the way I treated you or others those years ago and you helped me a lot with that, by not enabling. Thank you. I can't wait to hang out with you at a con again, chatting it up like there's been no time or distance. I can't wait for you to meet my partner in crime and our two beautiful children and I don't worry about the future at all. You have many many true friends, Molly. And you can always count me among them. Through thick and thin.
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ReplyDelete*hugs* i certainly didn't mean the comment "fb isn't real life" to throw mud at how you feel. Perhaps because i am a little older and didn't quite grow up with current technology i have learned to step back a little from fb et all. But that doesn't detract from how you feel, which is completely valid. Personally, when someone drops me from fb, i usually inquire if they are ok, but beyond that , personally idgaff if they do not want to see my irreverent posts, nor if they do not want me to see theirs.
ReplyDeleteI think ebb and flow does occur in the best or worst of friendships. For me it doesn't help that some of my closest friends live far away, and so i do not see them very much at all. I'm so glad however to count you as a friend, even if really we do not see each other. I'm pretty sure i did not say how genuinely happy i was that you saw me in line at ECCC last year, or at Shige's, or at your housewarming several years ago when you first moved to Seattle, or even that cold December in '09 when we all went thrift storing and you ended up getting the most amazing Chocobo tattoo. I don't even like dogs and usually they sense that and don't like me, but there something to be said for the fact that from the outset Sushi warmed to me, perhaps because Sushi isn't a real dog but extension of you. (i love Sushi...^^) So don't worry to much please. I'm glad you made the bold move to follow your life path, and i'm enthralled to see you succeed at this, keep going. and live long and prosper...^^
First of all, you look stunning, and this outfit is fantastic. Secondly, I completely understand your situation. I went through a very bad breakup a few months ago, and on top of everything else, he blocked me on Facebook a month after it happened. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound (he broke my heart, and yet he decided that I deserved even more hurt... good job, dude). I think for our generation, Facebook has definitely become real life. Sad state of affairs, but true. I'm so sorry that you're going through that, and I know how devastating it can be to lose a friend (I lived with someone for a while who now won't talk to me). It's a sting that kind of doesn't go away for a while. But ultimately, you have to remember that someone who doesn't want to repair your friendship isn't worth having in your life, most likely.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, lady!
xox Sammi
www.thesoubrettebrunette.blogspot.com
The last time that happened to me I was 15, I lost my best friend over the course of about six weeks when for the last four years she'd pretty much been my whole life. I felt so alone. It really sucked. I have never had such a close friend (apart from my partner) since then. However, in my opinion, the best friends we have are the ones who you can not talk to for a year, then pick up the phone and everything's exactly how you left it, no grudges, no hurt, just picking up where you left off. I'm lucky to have a friend like that - I've known her since we were five, and it must be over a year since we've seen each other, but I know when I see her, it will be just like we're kids again.
ReplyDeleteHope your other ladies can give you the network of support you need.
Liz xx
Wow, you look beautiful! :) And totally like Kate Kane/ Batwoman. Which is awesome, but I'm sure you get that alot. :) It's a funny thing that I just stumbled across your blog, and you are just writing about something I have also experienced in the last few months and weeks with my former best and oldest friend. I know how you feel right now, and I don't know for sure if everything is going to be ok, but at least I can tell you that you're not alone. It's so hard, but sometimes the only thing we can do is to accept that the friendship is over.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best :)
Meepit