I'm the sort of girl who can feel comfortable in any social situation. Clubs, anime conventions, uncomfortable parties with no music and socially awkward people... I go out of my way to put myself in many different life scenarios, because I am a "tourist". I like observing other human beings, and I like existing in moments that could be good fodder for stories in the future.
In many ways, this makes me an atypical geek girl. While I mostly stick to my conventions and cosplayer parties, I still stray outside of the norm and go to clubs and bars and after parties. I'm just as comfortable in a tight dress and high heels at a club as I am in spandex and boots at a convention. Thus, this "chameleon" like quality I possess has given me many different life experiences... and they're not all necessarily entertaining.
Due to constantly putting myself "out there", I've dealt with my fair share of sexual harassment, rape culture, and misogynist behavior. As an intense advocate of feminism, I have zero qualms of calling people out on their ickiness. I've yelled at guys who try to neg me at bars - I educate dudes who send me weird messages on dating websites about how what they're doing is completely unacceptable. But a few days ago I experienced something completely new.
This past weekend was Pride in Seattle, an amazing citywide celebration of LGBT rights. It was especially insane after the amazing collapse of DoMA, and people were out in droves. Trails of glitter lined the streets, everyone was holding hands, and the entire thing was all kinds of magical and positive. Naturally, I was out on the town with one of my closest friends, soaking up the atmosphere and having a great time.
Late on Saturday night I stumbled into my favorite Seattle bar - the Unicorn - only to discover an epic dance party was going on downstairs. As a great lover of shaking what my mama gave me, I dove in immediately. A tall man with dreadlocks yelled "you're sexy!" and I grinned at him, dancing in his general direction. He began to dance behind me - and while I am not the "grinding" type, I let him put his hands upon my waist and wiggle behind me. This I was okay with.
Suddenly, his hands were no longer on my waist and they were roving up my thighs, pushing my dress up. I grabbed his hands and threw them off of me, and he apologized in my ear. "You're just so sexy!" he said, and I rolled my eyes and yelled "don't touch me!". Foolishly, I believed that was the end of it. My best friend was dancing in front of me, facing me, so I felt safe within the crowd because she could see what this guy was doing.
He started to dance again, hands back on my hips. Safe. Then, again: he grabbed my hand and pulled it behind me, placing it upon his penis. He was fully erect and practically bursting out of his pants, and I yanked my hand away and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK". Before I could think to react, he pushed my hair off of my neck and said "Just for a second, just for a second!" and grabbed my hand again, shoving it into his cock for a second time.
I punched him. I punched that motherfucker in the dick so hard that it was like I was a heroine in a martial arts movie. And then I streaked through the crowd, adrenaline pumping through me as I heard him yell "you BITCH!"
I should have grabbed the bouncer, but to be honest I didn't even really know what he looked like, and I felt that the justice of punching that douche in the cock was better than him getting kicked out of the bar. It took me awhile to process - I used to be a nightclub photographer so I understand how brazen intoxicated men can act. I've had my butt grabbed, my boobs grabbed, horribly lewd comments shouted in my ear. But I've NEVER had a guy force my hand onto his erect cock. And that is seriously fucked up behavior.
I've been relaying this story to my friends and followers, and most of them laugh and high five me. But while I am proud of the way I reacted, the more I think about it, the more disturbed I am. I understand we live in a world rife with rape culture, but at times I live in a happy little liberal bubble where I believe we're making progress. But this man obviously found it not only okay, but totally a viable option to sexually harass me on the dance floor, surrounded by hundreds of people.
What is wrong with individuals that makes this a flirting "technique"? Do women actually allow guys to get away with this shit? I'm so incensed and enraged that I'm not sure what to do. Except punch more dicks. Many more dicks.
He must have been part of that recent kickstarter, that's one of the "techniques" that flesh sack touts. That is just sickening.
ReplyDeleteum maybe stop dancing with him the first time he crosses the line?
ReplyDeleteShe did stop dancing with him.
DeleteMolly, I use to be an avid club attendee, shit like that happened to me all the time. Its kinda why i stop going. It got so bad that i instantly went into bitch mode when approached by any man. Kinda sad that men think its okay and even sadder that a lot of women allow them to get away with it. Ive never punched a man quite like you have but i have bitch slapped a few or kneed them.. so hopefully they understood it was not okay...
ReplyDeleteAnon, Molly was very forgiving the first time he crossed the line. Maybe she felt that since he did not know where the line was, she'd give him a chance. However, DO NOT blame her for his being a jackass. If it wasn't okay to pull her skirt up, it sure as hell wasn't okay to continue with anything in that direction.
ReplyDeleteThat's a shame :(
ReplyDeleteTotally had it coming. Anyplace you hit a guy like that, you're punching a dick. I sometimes disagree with women who complain about being looked at (i.e. "ogled") when they put themselves on display, but no level of enticement justifies an unwanted physical contact that you've been warned about.
ReplyDeleteWhat, so women can't feel sexy and empowered and then annoyed if men are objectifying them? Who made you god?
Deleteya dude what the hell are you talking about?
DeleteI was there that night, though I'd left before that happened. Anyway, go you! I'd have taken you to the bouncer for the sake of the double whammy!
ReplyDeleteThat is so not even remotely okay! It makes me want to go punch some creeps in the dick too. Good for you! I feel like guys like him might feel like they can get away with it because a girl might not want to cause a scene, but seriously, messed up.
ReplyDeleteHope this guy remembers you for a very long time. Maybe he may choose to become a gentleman instead of a cad.
ReplyDelete@Mark: It's nice how you justify what kind of discomfort you find a person can acceptably and unacceptably feel.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman who has experienced this same thing, THANK YOU. <3 All I could do was run out of there and cry in the bathroom and then leave. I wish I had stood up for myself. Thank you for standing up and giving him something to remember you by. You are awesome. <3
ReplyDeleteLuckily (or not so luckily), I've experienced sexual harassment/assault in the past and have had a lot of time to think what I would do in the next situation. The first time it ever happened, I cried, too. Be strong, lady!
DeleteSpeaking of fake tits, if she's gonna get the implants and is going to go through all that trouble, she might as well go with the big ones. She cosplays, and some of the characters she cosplays are pretty stacked. If she were Jessica Nigiri big or heck, even Xena Kai big, she would be an absolute knockout.
ReplyDeleteIt's things like this that make me recall the wise words of Samuel Screech Powers: "Men are such fools. I hope I never become one!"
ReplyDeleteThere is much discussion on the intertubes about harassment of women by men. have a look at my favorite authors webpage about his convention requirement for a spelled out and inforced harassment policy at SF conventions.
ReplyDeletehttp://whatever.scalzi.com/2013/07/02/my-new-convention-harassment-policy/
Clearly a problem with men not understanding or accepting the concept of 'ongoing consent'. They somehow believe that because a woman didn't push your hands off her hips or from around her waist whilst dancing it means that she's granted you permission to touch her anywhere else or granted you permission to make her touch you.
ReplyDeleteI am a woman and I cover Myself when I don't want negative attention I don't let it all hang out And complain when Men act like Men Yes it is fucked up that We have to live like this but It's just the way it's always been and No "We" are not making strides get real. And don't think for one second that I like that We have to live like this but Let's not act like it has not been like this since the dawn of time either.
ReplyDeleteYou cannot wear things that men are programmed to be sexually attracted to and then QQ when They are....That makes zero sense really. I am sorry This guy did not take the hint the first time and that He touched You but at the same time I am also sick of seeing girls who run around barely dressed complaining when guys say something. And let's face it Your not only wearing What You say You are but surrounding Yourself around inebriated people.....HELLO!? Just being a realist. fyi the nerd market is extra bad We all know 80% of the men are virgins.
On another note a kick in the balls works exceptionally better then a punch in the dick for the grabby types.
Wow. Women like you are the reason we AREN'T making as many strides.
DeleteGood lord, if everyone had your mentality women still wouldn't be allowed to vote.
DeleteMa'am, I'm going to try hard to be respectful, compassionate, and objective in my response, but that's difficult given this is an emotional subject. Even assuming it's true that as a man, I'm biologically designed to be attracted to certain stimuli, how do you account for behavior? I see dozens of attractive women every day, yet I've never groped a single one of them (that wasn't my girlfriend, at any rate). This applies, even while extremely drunk. Though I am probably guilty of hugging my fair share of people when drunk. What's the difference between this "man" and I? How Molly was dressed is entirely irrelevant. She is not complaining that he was FEELING attracted to her. She is complaining about his BEHAVIOR. She is complaining that this type of sexual assault is controversial. There should be NO controversy about it. It's wrong. Period. I think Molly was generous not to react with violence at the outset of being sexually assaulted by this man.
DeleteI'm sorry that you feel so disenfranchised as to believe that there is nothing that can be done. Here's a thought. Basic behavior theory dictates that people continue behavior that they have been rewarded for, on some level. If they are not rewarded, that behavior diminishes. This means that this man has, at some point, been rewarded for this type of behavior. How sad is that? If you want it to stop, then a little thing you can do is to not accept this behavior. Don't reward it. In fact, get a bouncer. Call the cops. There are options. It's not a world-shattering step, but it's something that anyone can do.
Are you serious? You're using the "blame the victim" angle? In the 21st century? I don't care if a woman is butt naked, walking down the street, that's not an invitation to do what this guy did. We have brains. We as men can control ourselves. I've been next to, danced with and squeezed into small elevators, restaurant booths and hotel rooms with some very beautiful and sexily clad women that I was very attracted to and do you know how many I have groped, fondled or harassed? None.
DeleteYou know why? because I have self control, morals and higher reasoning. I don't just take what I want. You know who does? Sociopaths and small children.
Also, the next time you want to post something as pig-ignorant as this, at least have the courage to use your real name. What makes you think anyone will take you seriously if you post as "anonymous?" Have the courage of your convictions, even if they are medieval!
The entire "men are programmed to do this" viewpoint is infuriating on so many levels. Because no, no they aren't.
DeleteYou know what we should focus on other than shaming the women this happens to? Educating people about the importance of consent. It's really not a hard concept. I've got my six year old son asking permission before holding hands with someone.
Also, as mentioned above, the blame the victim angle is incredibly tacky, and in this case seems to ridiculously imply that women are responsible for preventing their assault.
"Oh, she wasn't looking hot? She was wearing sweats? SHE JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WALKING ALONE."
"Someone was with her? SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH SOMEONE STRONGER."
Where, precisely, does it stop?
So not okay, at all, ever.
I am 52 and have been hearing such stupid, catty responses to sexual assault from bitter women for years. You sound like the dingbats who used to blame women for rape if they lived alone. They simply could not stand the idea that other women were not like them. Jealous catty assholes then. Jealous catty assholes now. Your right some things never change.
DeleteThank you for posting this, Molly. It's incredibly important to keep this issue alive. You are a strong lady.
ReplyDeleteHugs and high fives.
http://memegenerator.co/Toystorys/caption
ReplyDeleteComments section in a nutshell
This guy totally had it coming but if a girl wants to hurt a guy, you gotta hit him in the nuts. That would hurt a helluva lot more and leave most guys writhing on the floor. Getting hit in the dick doesn't hurt all that much.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of douchebags like this guy in our city and other cities.
ReplyDeleteThey do this shit because it works often enough and they get called down on it rarely enough that it's worth their while. There's no effective feedback system that suitably discourages their behavior. Activism and blog articles don't work on them.
Now THIS is the bitchiness that we all know and love. About time we had something to be morally outraged about. It's been, what, a few hours since something stupid and inconsequential came along to get sand in the vaginas of both this blog's bitchy writer and her pussified, neckbearded white knights? I love it.
ReplyDeleteMe think this one protests too much.
DeleteI'm so glad /b found this. I hope they tear McIssac a new butthole.
ReplyDeleteHow exactly are they going to do that? By leaving butthurt comments? Yeah, that will show her. /b/ is impotent, both figuratively and literally.
ReplyDeleteDawww, so buttmad. Internet tough hardman.
DeleteI know. It's so fucking sad that she has to make up a lie about /b/ raiding her just to get attention from her white knight minions. Beyond pathetic how self important she believes herself to be.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why there is an argument here. I'm no white knight and you can assume all you want but my mother told me to always respect a woman. How bout you keep your hands to yourself and if she wants you to grab her she'll let you. What if a stranger man did that to your mother or your sister or even your girlfriend? I'm pretty sure you won't be happy about it either way.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about white knighting. It's about manners and respect and space regardless of the gender.
I agree men and women should be respected and treated as equals. Within that respect we should have the same visceral reaction to violence whether it’s a man or a woman perpetrating it. She admits to have assaulted him and now expects a pat on the back. I am sorry violence is never the answer.To dismiss it simply because she is a woman is just revolting.
DeleteNegative, she admits to defending herself from assault. Big difference.
DeleteI could not agree more, women who not only normalize assault on men but see themselves as heroines for doing so are either really hypocritical or just plain clueless.
ReplyDeleteWhile what he did was wrong, you were in a crowded place and could have asked for help and or publically shamed him for his offensive conduct, instead you acted mindlessly yourself and assaulted him, he should have pressed charges. Violence of any form is always wrong. No girl solidarity here.
I'm glad to see the Molly Defense Force has arrived on schedule. Annnd here... we... go!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see the emotionally damaged internet hardmen posters figured out to hit the keyboard in such a way as to make a laughable attempt to try and be edgy about the actual sexual assault of a person. Annnd here... we... go!
DeleteAgain, why don't we reason this out? I am not emotionally damaged, or a hardman, I simply disagree with the idea that violence can be acceptable depending on gender. Does this mean you can insult and belittle me?
Delete"lookatallthistoughguyinternethardmenhere" <--- author name. Wants to have a serious argument. Hahahahahahahaha.
DeleteYeah, its not like there are laws about physically defending yourself when you are being assaulted or anything. LOL, shows you how clueless you all are.
ReplyDeleteYou know what is pathetic, not having an argument and simply dismissing any man who disagrees with insults. If you have an issue as to how someone "disected" her story you should move the discussion forward with walid reasoning and counter arguments, its quite telling how quickly you resorted to insults.
ReplyDeleteIf he had "punched you in the pussy" take a moment to imagine the backlash that would have erupted. Which is in my opinion the correct reaction to violence by the way. I would perhaps understand if you had been alone together, and while it may have been a reaction, realize that that excuse would never work for a man. When we start rationalizing violence we are down a very dangerous path.
ReplyDeleteI think it is you that is clueless with regards to self defense laws... please think about use wikipedia, its free!... I don't have the time or the crayons to explain them to you.
ReplyDeleteParty A attempts to sexually assault Party B. Party B physically defends themselves.
ReplyDeleteI am failing to find anything wrong yet, regardless of gender of either party.
You would be in a cop car before you knew what was going on... the fact people are too dense to see this distinction and how what she did was wrong even if preceeded by his sexual assault is kind of sad. Press charges by all means, get him thrown out of the club in humiliation.... just dont go all neanderthal and punch him.... now you are both cavemen.
ReplyDeleteI am going to repeat myself here...
ReplyDeleteIf genders were reversed she would have been in a cop car before anyone knew what was going on... so lets not be disingenuous here and lets admit that gender makes a big difference here.
My argument is simply that she should have pressed charges, gotten him thrown out of the club in humiliation.... just don’t go all Neanderthal and punch him.... now you are both cavemen.
To justify violence by saying it was reactionary? All violence is! We are cognizant beings... and she should not be getting accolades for mindlessly punching someone’s genitals … this behavior is unacceptable.
Your making an argument about special treatment between the sexes more than about the assault.
ReplyDeleteSo the only options in your head are either sit back and be assaulted or punch him in the genitals? You are in a crowded place... surely if you put your mind to it you can come up with some nonviolent solutions...
ReplyDeleteThat decision was already made by the aggressor.
ReplyDeleteThe two are not mutually exclusive and yes I discussed the assault, I condoned it and said she should have pressed charges and humiliated him being that she was in a public space...
ReplyDeleteYou bring no reasoning to the argument, just repetition.
ReplyDeleteI think Molly is an amazing person and doesn't pay attention to the trolls.
ReplyDeleteLook at all the victim blaming in the comments telling you how to be a better feminist. You know what normalizes assault on women? Being told we should stay in our place and *only* handle things through authority figures (this is an extension of internalized misogyny thanks to institutional oppression.) You know what normalizes assault on men? Not a damn thing done by women, because we still very much live in a patriarchy.
ReplyDeleteEvery TWO MINUTES a person is sexually assaulted in the US, and 9 out of 10 rapes happen to women. 97% of rapists won't even spend one single day in jail, even when women REPORT THEM, usually because authority figures don't believe women. Wanna speak violence? "Among women aged between 15 and 44, acts of violence cause more death and disability than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents and war combined." So if your first response when it comes to equality is "CAN MEN HIT WOMEN NOW" the answer is, why the fuck is that your first concern?
There are rape cases where women are condemned for NOT fighting back physically. As a society, we are quick to condemn the way a woman defends herself when she is victimized, because it allows us to AVOID THE ISSUE, that is: WHY DO MEN FEEL THEY CAN SEXUALLY ASSAULT WOMEN SO OFTEN THAT IT IS HAPPENING EVERY TWO FUCKING MINUTES. If a man like that knows he'll be reported to a bouncer who he can argue with and possibly receive a figurative slap on the wrist or less, do you think that will deter him better than knowing that women will fucking stand up for themselves? NICE TRY.
Things that make sexual assault worse: societal acceptance of these behaviors in men and blaming their victims.
ReplyDeleteThings that don't make sexual assault worse: anything a woman does to her body out of her own choice.
Good for you, Molly! I'm horrified by some of the reactions in the comments. What he did was not okay. What Molly did was protect herself. Don't sexually assault others, and we won't have a problem. Man or woman.
ReplyDeleteWhat is wrong with individuals that makes this a flirting "technique"? shouldn't it be <"flirting technique"> not since its sexual assault not flirting?
ReplyDeleteAlso since the asshole assaulted her first, Molly had every right to punch him it counts as self defense.
In a case of violent (wherein someone is forcing you to do an action) sexual assault one is allowed to enact self defense. While it isn't fair that a man in this situation may not be treated the same, it's a social issue that feminism should be on the track to fixing and radical feminists would disagree with.
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I consider myself an equalist.